I haven’t had a job in one year now..not since my manic breakdown..I am in the process of trying to get disability insurance..I am just damn lucky that my wife has a good job with benefits!!! I have never really been able to hold down a job..i have probably tried 50 jobs in my adult life..in fact..the longest i have held a job is for 4 years and that was because..it was an ideal situation for me. I worked alone..managed my own route..interacted with clients when i wanted to and for as long as i wanted to. It was a great job..problem was..i couldn’t fake my issues forever…i never could..i remember clear as day one time out bawling in my work van at three in the morning..leaving a message to my boss via voicemail how I didn’t know if i could do it anymore and blah..blah..blah..looking back i think of two things.
…number 1..that i was manic and didn’t have a clue…number 2..i am now embarrassed as HELL that i did it. That is one of the worst things about this disease..it’s when i do something stupid or irrational and then i have to live with the embarrassment..the shame..the guilt..for the rest of my life! it really sucks!!!
Another requirement for that job…one that would have sent many people jumping for joy..was each summer..we were required to fly out to trainings..they were located all over the country. With my problems..however..this represented a world of problems.Lets see..i’m terrified of heights..extremely claustrophobic…stressed out…anxiety filled..and that’s just thinking about the trips..I used to get so worked up that i would almost have a panic attack and pass out..before we even got on the plane..Once we would land and get to our hotel..i could calm down and relax a little. We got our own rooms..it is the only way i could do it. I remember my boss wanted to take me to a Colorado Rockies game..i had never been to one..but..alias..was too damn tired and stressed out from the days work..I didn’t take a piss all day until the evening..i was majorly dehydrated.
What i haven’t mentioned yet..is that i had a major phobia with eating or drinking on the job..i would wait until i got home most days before i would do either..i’m talking about a drink of water or eating a chip..i basically fasted every day except for the weekend. When your working summer days in the 100’s and not drinking..it’s a real problem. I am guessing that i have taken several years off my life..due to issues like this…but..you wanna know what?..i haven’t wanted to be here for the long haul..my entire life..this shit is just way too hard. Many days i wonder if i will make it another year. I’m closing in on 50..my goal is to at least make it till then…….
Well..i’ve been up for about 2 hours and I can hear the scream of the nappy train coming into the station already..Ahhhhh..i love me some nappy…goodnight world..hello dreamsville!!!
Well..here i am in the full force of another happy monday…yeah…yippee…NOT! Already woke up to find that my Maltese/Pomeranian Cooper..threw up on the bed..poor guy..he only weighs 8 pounds and i gave him too many goodies yesterday..hopefully he yacked all that out..Sadie is going great! She is a Black Lab/Terrier Mix…they are so much fun together…
So…i have had an issue with my eye since last night..i think i got something in there that is irritating it..i tried to get it out but to no avail. It could just be dried out to. My Lamictal is known for causing dry eyes…but hey..if it can keep me from those damn pesky rapid thoughts all day..then i will deal with some dry..red..eyes..
Funny thing..these drugs..they give them to us as a shot in the dark and have no idea how or why they work. I am on..as i said..Lamictal..which is prescribed for seizures..hey this shit also works for bipolar issues. or at least it seems to..lets find some guinea pigs and try it out. Oh well..at least i don’t live in the middle ages..or hell..the 70’s..when you either got tortured..murdered..or used as lab experiments..lobotomy? Who’s the dumb shit that came up with that one?..his cure..he should of got one himself..then he could have seen how it feelt to not know your head from your ass!!
*Sorry if my swearing is offensive…if anyone cares to read my posts..this is a problem for me while i am hypermanic..i swear a lot..at least it’s not as bad as some of those Tourettes folk..God bless them one and all!!!
…getting back to today..don’t have too much to do..because i am tired all the time..i do things i can do that day…today..dishes if i’m lucky..i try to get out everyday and interact in a social environment. I usually go out to eat or at least go get my favorite drink..some call it”The Nectar of the Gods”…others may know it as Mountain Dew…it has been my favorite all my life..i often wonder if i like it so much because of the flavor…or i’m addicted..or if it’s as simple as just being the color green..that is my favorite color..eh..i don’t know..not to important…i guess…with that being said..when i am not in the mood for one..it is a clear indicator that i am on the depressive side…
My depressive side is just like a lot of Bipolar 2’s..it’s there much..much..more than my hypermanic side..and as i said before..my hypermanic side is no picnic either..well..most of the time anyway. I had a very unique experience last spring..it was about a year ago..in fact. I was in a complete SEVERE depression..closest i have ever been to suicide in my life!..it had lasted the previous summer into February..btw- i was diagnosed Bipolar 2 last summer after a severe manic episode when i was ready to run off and have an affair with a co-worker who was half my age and newly married..as you can imagine..that led into the severe depression…
..anyway..getting back to the story…last spring..i woke up one morning and things felt extremely different!..i didn’t feel like shit that day..so i decided to go out side and look around..to my utter amazement..i could actually see the sun..it was beautiful!..in fact all the color and smells were so vibrant. I was alive again!!!..i was so happy..this went on for a couple days and then things started to calm down..not depressive but not as intense..i went to my pdoc and she had to bring me down and tell me..i was having a manic episode..and i thought to myself, “Damn..can’t i have anything that is normal..just one Gad Dang Thing”!!!…i feel wonderful..full of life for the first time in years..but sorry sir..you were just experiencing a manic episode..don’t worry it won’t last long….
Well..all i can say to that…is..FUCK YOU!!!!!…………………………….
I was just about ready to pack it in for the night..when i came to a realization..this blog is taking on a mind of it’s own..it is still and always will be a daily journal with the pronouncement of my daily symptoms..struggles..and successes. However..i will be adding some life experiences and thoughts..I want to capture a moment in time…my time…my part of existence in this world..i for one..believe it is important for others to know who i was…especially if someone down the road develops the same “gift” that i received from my father who received it from his father..a family secret that belongs in the closet..apparently..for time and all eternity……
So..here it is..Monday!!!…like the song except I like to say…”just another shitty Monday…ohh..ohh”! Monday’s always seem to suck the most..i swear..throughout my life it seems like if something is going to happen bad..then..count on it being a Monday. Well..at least I get to sleep before I experience the brunt of it. Just after midnight and I am feeling pretty good. Got my ibuprofen fix about an hour ago(it calms down my muscles and helps me relax..for future reference). Now I just need to take all my anxiety and bipolar meds and i am ready to go. The weird thing is the naps that I have been taking at about 9:00 at night..for about an hour and a half. I pretty much stay up until 1:30 or so anyway..but..maybe it has something to do with my trouble sleeping..it’s hard to say because I also take a morning nap for about 3-4 hours into the noon hours. Sometimes I think these are residue from the Ambien..but you know what?..screw it..i am taking my damn Ambien!!! The savior of my physical life!!!
I have been thinking about some of the things i have read on other sites today..i love to learn..to study..to explore..the vast space that is the internet..of course..back in the day..before the internet..i used to love to read books. I find it interesting that i tend to count tiles..lights..numbers on signs…letters on chalkboards. I never even really thought about it until my wife said in church one day..”What are you doing?” and I just said, “Oh..just counting bricks and lights”. She said,”Do you do that a lot?..and i said,”For as long as i can remember”…it is so funny the things we do without having an idea that it could be strange or unusual..I have found through study and personal experience..that we..mentally ill folk.. do many things that are strange and unusual…
I have enjoyed playing Witcher 3!..it is the coolest game i have ever played..and i’ve been playing video games since i had to travel somewhere else to play them..that’s right..i actually had to pay money for the privilege of playing a game..some of my favorites were actually pinball games..i loved me some pinball baby!!! I was pretty good too!….anyway..the witcher is a great game based on an open environment..i’m sure when you read this in the future..today’s technology will probably be as ancient as my beloved Space Invaders from back in the day…come to think of it..i have been alive for many of the greatest advancements in all of history..for instance..i remember when a phone was just a phone…when satellite disks took up half of your back yard…but you know..there was something about those days..i loved them days more than anything.. now..it was my childhood and it was my 80’s baby!!!!
…80’s was were it was..favorite music back in the day..as well as now…New Wave!! Doesn’t exist now..as i said before..that life is gone..I can’t stand watching my bands from the day..begging for scraps now..Watching a bunch of wrinkled up grey haired sacks that can’t sing anymore..just doesn’t do it for me..i watch videos on YouTube displaying bands from back in the day..embarrassing themselves in front of the camera..and then even worse..is the people who are at the concerts..old fat..over the hill people about my age..trying so hard to feel like they did in the past..I look into the past more than anything…what makes the past so special is that it was a moment in time..that time was then..this is now..So..what do i do..you ask..to relive the glory years of music? I watch the damn videos of the past!!..the ones where my favorite bands were young…when MTV had just started…it was the golden age of video! As the song most vividly describes”Video definitely killed the radio star”!
Speaking of the past…well..let’s just say..that was a different animal all together..I loved almost all of the aspects of the 80’s except when my symptoms really started to reveal themselves. A story for another day..in fact..probably many more days..but for now..that is good…..
Hopefully a good night for me…we shall see..(that was a tight rhyme. .that’s a topic for another day as well..my tight rhyming skills!..i especially love limericks…:)
Kind of a weird path I went down tonight..i didn’t expect it..but..it was a big part of my past life..a big part..all of it……..
I woke up this morning at about 11:00. Being a Sunday..that is a little bit unusual for me..usually I wake up at about 12:15 and we miss the first part of church. I’m not sure if it was from walking so much when dealing with the car or if it was my sinus’s being clogged or if it was just a rough night..I have had some issues dealing with my Ambien the last few nights. About two weeks ago..i ran out of Ambien and had to wait two days to get some. The two nights without it sucked big time! I slept like total crap…when i slept..that is. Before I started Ambien I slept about 3-4 hours a night. I had severely rapid thoughts. I would lay there and think about 20 different things a minute in the middle of the night. I would finally get some sleep at the end of the night a couple hours before it was time to get up. You talk about a walking zombie! I started taking the Ambien about 4 months ago and noticed an immediate change..I actually fell asleep really quickly that very night and have slept great on it since until like I said..about 3 or 4 nights ago. We’ll see how it goes for the next few nights and give a new update..I just hope it’s not because of the doses I missed!
It has been really warm lately. The beauty of the winter is the warmth during the day and the coolness at night. I love the spring and the fall..the fall is my favorite time because of the changing of the leaves and Halloween..of course. I am mister creeper after all..Fricken love Halloween!!! Frightmares is my favorite time at Lagoon! ..the haunted houses are pretty cool. Got a little nervous and claustrophobic last time we went in one. Had to stand in the middle of several people with strobe lights and fog going off. Got through it though and that’s all that mattered..
I did get up in an ok mood today despite my feeling like crap. Why? Because this time it wasn’t mental related..it was just pain and aches just like everyone else wakes up to. Right now it is evening and i feel a little sick. I have a stomach ache and my prostate isn’t feeling all that great. A little flared up. It happens from time to time. A couple years ago it was bothering me so bad that i had to get a CT scan because my doctor saw blood in my urine. The test came back inconclusive. then I had to get a cystoscopy..that sucked the most turd in the world. that thing burned like no other. They had to insert a little tube into my littlier pee hole and up to my bladder. My poor guy must have known what was coming..he tried to run for cover..let’s just say..i don’t think the nurse was too impressed with my “size”. After words they made me pee and it burned like fire!!! Damn it hurt!!!
Getting back to things……
I am just kind of lethargic again tonight..Don’t really know what to do..Too tired to clean anything.. to exhausted to start a movie or talk to anybody..thus..here I am. I have promised myself that I will try to write about my condition every day. BTW- having some really strange dreams lately…..
It is amazing how my moods can change in a day. I woke up in a bad mood…that went to furious later when I picked up my car and found out it probably needed more work..to now when I am feeling pretty content with things. I am definatley ultra cycling. It is playing havoc with my body and my mind..I’m not sure if I ever feel “normal”. Lately it seems to be a large contrast between feeling depressed etc,. to feeling like I am ok. I have found that sleeping is big for me..not necessarily night sleeping but napping when I feel totally overwhelmed..I have found that sleeping during these times calms me down and helps me feel relieved to a point. It can actually change the way I feel for the whole day.
Sometimes my naps are not a choice..there are times i am so tired that i have no choice..i must sleep. I don’t know if these are drug related..activity related or what..this is one of the reasons i am doing this blog…to look for a pattern in my daily activities so maybe i can map out when something is coming.
Right now I am trying to figure out if i am hypomanic or depressive..i would think depressive but i also have many symptoms of mania..two major ones being irritability and irrationality. The difference between moods is somewhat concerning.
My memory seems to be doing a little better lately..probably because I have not had too many stress events of any extreme amount..I usually have mental blocks when i get put into uncomfortable situations. I guess i will only find out how i am doing in those situations as they come.