I had a restless night sleeping. Usually the Ambien does the trick. I love that numbness to all around me and the calming of the storm which is my brain. I woke up in a dreadful mood just like I ended last night with. Sometimes sleeping makes it better. A nap can do a world of good in overcoming for the day..or refueling as the case may be. In fact, I have been running on empty for several years. I having almost nothing left in reserve.
The same thoughts run through my head everyday. You see..i have a identical twin that I live with everyday. Not the one who you support and love and care about. The one that only you know who resides in your head. It’s that voice you have heard all your life. It’s the one that tells you that you aren’t good enough..that you will never be good enough. Even though you may make it through high school with decent grades, make it through college with decent grades..get married and keep a marraige for over 20 years..have kids that you love more than life it’s self…there is always one constant reminder..that ghost never leaves..never puts out a for sale sign. He’s nice and comfy and has putt down roots. I guess the common denominator here is fact that you will never be alone. You will carry this spawn for the rest of your life.
You will have people throughout your life tell you that you are fine. That you need to “buckle down”…”buck up”..”be a man”..”get a job”..”provide for your family for once”. Then it gets better. You are told by your own family that..”you are not good enough”..”you don’t even try”..”are you taking your meds?”..”do you even care about us”..”how could you even consider suicide..that is the most cowardly thing you could do”..”this is not about you..this is about your family”..”get over it”..”go see a counselor”..”i don’t even know you anymore”..and my all time favorite..”if you can’t do this and that..then get your stuff and get the hell out of the house!”
My wife always tell me that she knows what I’m going through..”oh I had a bad day as well”. It pisses the Hell out of me! No..your bad day is that maybe someone was mean at work! My bad day is being home because I’m not stable enough to work and having this voice in my head that tells me that I am not good enough..that I will never be good enough..no one will miss you when your gone..your just a waste of space..you are a walking zombie moving about at the will of the puppet master. No my love..you have no fucking clue what a bad day is!
I have already gone through several cycles today..i called a guy at the story today a “fat ass” because he couldn’t go fast enough for me in the line..I called an old lady an “old bag” as I walked by. .but I did so another old lady how to use the Redbox machine. My car is in the shop so i actually have to get my fat ass off the shelf and walk somewhere..that’s probably what set the mood for the day..I have no energy to move most of the time..My psych doctor..my wife..my mom..etc,. tell me to exercise. Well..that’s not the magic elixir. It’s hard to exercise when you have no motivation to get out of bed..
It will be fun to see what the rest of the day will bring. At least I usually get a few minutes or if i’m really luck an hour or two of hyper activity..you know where you are extremely high strung so you do stupid things to show people how funny you are ..and all they do is laugh at you.