February 29, 2016 1:55 p.m.

I haven’t had a job in one year now..not since my manic breakdown..I am in the process of trying to get disability insurance..I am just damn lucky that my wife has a good job with benefits!!! I have never really been able to hold down a job..i have probably tried 50 jobs in my adult life..in fact..the longest i have held a job is for 4 years and that was because..it was an ideal situation for me. I worked alone..managed my own route..interacted with clients when i wanted to and for as long as i wanted to. It was a great job..problem was..i couldn’t fake my issues forever…i never could..i remember clear as day one time out bawling in my work van at three in the morning..leaving a message to my boss via voicemail how I didn’t know if i could do it anymore and blah..blah..blah..looking back i think of two things.

…number 1..that i was manic and didn’t have a clue…number 2..i am now embarrassed as HELL that i did it. That is one of the worst things about this disease..it’s when i do something stupid or irrational and then i have to live with the embarrassment..the shame..the guilt..for the rest of my life!  it really sucks!!!

Another requirement for that job…one that would have sent many people jumping for joy..was each summer..we were required to fly out to trainings..they were located all over the country. With my problems..however..this represented a world of problems.Lets see..i’m terrified of heights..extremely claustrophobic…stressed out…anxiety filled..and that’s just thinking about the trips..I used to get so worked up that i would almost have a panic attack and pass out..before we even got on the plane..Once we would land and get to our hotel..i could calm down and relax a little. We got our own rooms..it is the only way i could do it. I remember my boss wanted to take me to a Colorado Rockies game..i had never been to one..but..alias..was too damn tired and stressed out from the days work..I didn’t take a piss all day until the evening..i was majorly dehydrated.

What i haven’t mentioned yet..is that i had a major phobia with eating or drinking on the job..i would wait until i got home most days before i would do either..i’m talking about a drink of water or eating a chip..i basically fasted every day except for the weekend. When your working summer days in the 100’s and not drinking..it’s a real problem. I am guessing that i have taken several years off my life..due to issues like this…but..you wanna know what?..i haven’t wanted to be here for the long haul..my entire life..this shit is just way too hard. Many days i wonder if i will make it another year. I’m closing in on 50..my goal is to at least make it till then…….

February 29, 2016 1:55 p.m.

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