April fools….it’s your pathetic life…front and center. Except it’s not April fools for me..it’s all reality! You know what?…i hate doing these fucking blogs and bitching all the time about my horrible life and all that…but i feel i owe it to my posterity to tell it how it is..so that when i die some day…and they have the same kinds of experiences…they will know why!
……with that in mind..i believe i have another diagnosis to add to my GAD..Bipolar 2…Bipolar Depression…Specific Phobias..ADD…and Paranoid Personality Disorder…My new one?….self diagnosed but about 95% sure…Love Addiction! I didn’t even know what it was until a little while ago when i was studying up on Hypersexuality. I used to blog about these different kinds of things..but..this is a journal. I won’t do it here..Just a word of advice…if you think you might be hypersexuality but you don’t fit all of the sexual aspects of it…you may want to look at Love Addiction…just google it…
On to the bitching part of the blog…i feel very sad tonight! I hurt someone that i care about because of this very issue..i can’t stop doing this stupid shit…i read up and it says you will need counseling for it…yah..Love Addiction…get in the back of the Fucking line…I already need counseling for all the other fucked up shit going on in my head…in fact..you know what? I am going to donate my fuckin’ brain to science…maybe they can find out how fucked up it is!!!
I don’t want to fight anymore! Sound familiar to anyone here? I keep finding out new ways that my brain is abnormal and it makes me wonder how much more i can take…i’m here for my wife and kids you know..it’s really the only reason…if they died..then i die…if you know what i mean! This world sucks shit!!! It will pick you up…eat you..then shit you out the other end!
Sorry…i used to never swear..believe it or not…However..these days..it’s the only words that can truly describe the pain i go through on a daily basis…
Enough for this night of cries…..
Until the next one…………
So i’ve been away for a few days and i’ll be honest..the will just hasn’t been there..it is one of the hardest things for me to do..motivation. Anyway..i have been doing a lot of pondering life lately..since me and the wife had our little “discussion” i am trying to look at things from a new direction..i am trying to work on being happier..it is working pretty well..well…that and being hypermanic probably doesn’t hurt.:)…
It was a fun day with the family today..we had our little Easter party..it sure is more fun to be hypermanic at parties than depressed! The thing that really sucks..is..i think that my depression cycle is going to go from about October to the end of February…what is the significance of that you wonder? Well..it means that Thanksgiving..Christmas…New Years and Valentines Day…will probably always be experienced in a depressed state…excuse the french..but..that sucks SHIT!!!
I had wondered the past several years why i can never feel the holiday spirit anymore…it’s probably because i am so DAMN depressed…upon doing some research..it seems that i am not the only one this happens to…I know what you are going to say…well..not if your mentally ill…but others would say that these issues happen to everyone during the holidays…i would agree to an extent..however..i disagree in the fact that for most people..after the holidays..they settle back into the routine..where as…for people who are mentally ill..like me…i still get to have the fun for several more months….and add the fact that i don’t want to live too much during those times…yah..i would say..mentally ill people have it a lot worse…Sorry you quote/unquote..”normal people”!…we got you beat..:(
With all that said…Happy Easter everyone..may Heavens light shine brightly before you…..
Me and the wife finally had our tri-yearly talk today when we share feelings..yell..get upset..the wife cries…etc,. How did it go you ask…well..let’s see…we decided that i am not the man i was 2 years ago..that i have become mean…that i don’t care..and that she hates me. How is that for a discussion…that’s not all but a big part of it…she thinks that my meds are not helping and that i have gotten worse on them..i told her i didn’t know..they do help with rapid cycling but i don’t know about much else..really.
The worst part of what she said..is that she is right!…I have been a real ASS for two years..She says i am giving up..that after my diagnosis that i don’t care anymore..that i stopped trying..You must understand..2 years ago i had the manic episode that got me diagnosed..however..as you probably know if you are reading this..i have known about it my whole life..i have always BEEN different and i will always BE different..she thinks a new drug will make the difference..i told her..that what she is asking of me is a lot!!! Besides my..Bipolar 2..GAD..and Depression..i have also been diagnosed with Paranoid Personality Disorder..Changing meds is not like going on a walk in the park for me..i am scared to HELL of the side effects i could have from a change.
Anyway..maybe that’s what it will take to keep my marriage..only time will tell on that..i hope it turns out well..but..i am also a realist and know that it may not..i will live with whatever happens.. like i live my life these days..I will continue to wander as a robot in this world of corrosion…
So…i’ve slacked a little lately! I get a pass though. Went on a trip for the birthday…just an over nighter up the road…it was a nice getaway..however..sure started feeling like crap when we got back though.. Have slept a lot today..hopefully with the help of my trusty Ambien..i will fair just fine!
My sleep coma awaits……..
It was an interesting day…i was rapid cycling throughout the day…I woke up feeling a little irritated..i drove the kids to school as usual..came back and got on the computer…as usual…then as usual…i laid down for nappy nap time….i tried to sleep for my usual 3-4 hours..but kept waking up..at least..half way…you see..i take Ambien…it works great to help me sleep at night…but it also exacts a daytime nap of 3-4 hours ever day..it’s not a..well..i guess i’ll just go back to bed…kind of deal. No..i go back to sleep because of a coma like tiredness…that i cannot fight…
…..anyway…so the phone rang a few times but i had to just let it ring…i was too out of it…after about 5 rings in a minute..i forced myself…i mean forced…to answer the phone..it was my son at school…apparently some dude during career day had brought him to the front of the class and made fun of him in front of the others….so i got him and brought him home..then computer time again until i got the other kids…mood was pretty bleak but i tried to stay happy…then i did some dishes and got the house in order for the wife to come home after a hard days work..
We ate dinner…i watched my son play on the Playstation 3 and then i ended up here watching some guys on Youtube breaking their limbs and shit riding their bikes and skateboards..i remember the time i sprained my wrist really bad after falling off the top of my homemade skate ramp…that was right after my parents left and told me not to get hurt…so of course i got hurt.. right! I thought it was broken at first…I walked around in circles repeating this line…”I think i broke my wrist”…about 20 times…good old ace bandage did the trick….lucky me!
Feeling pretty happy and content right now…had a pretty good night helping my friend from Australia get through a tough time…….
As they say in the land down under…”Good’a Mate”!…………………………………….
Well…it’s been a wild day….I am “Happier” than i was …but i don’t change my stance…i wish i could…i really do…i wish i could hold a job again…instead of having my future security handled by the state…i wish i didn’t have to hire a lawyer to try and get it..i wish my brain wasn’t so jacked up…i wish..i wish…i wish…You know what the good old Green Day song states, “Wish in one hand and Shit in the other…and see which fills up first”…
Couldn’t have said it better…..
Good Night….I’m Out
There…so does that make ya’all happy!!!I’m so damn happy i can’t wash the shitty smile off my face….so there you go…have a great fuckin’ day…i am :)?…………