April fools….it’s your pathetic life…front and center. Except it’s not April fools for me..it’s all reality! You know what?…i hate doing these fucking blogs and bitching all the time about my horrible life and all that…but i feel i owe it to my posterity to tell it how it is..so that when i die some day…and they have the same kinds of experiences…they will know why!
……with that in mind..i believe i have another diagnosis to add to my GAD..Bipolar 2…Bipolar Depression…Specific Phobias..ADD…and Paranoid Personality Disorder…My new one?….self diagnosed but about 95% sure…Love Addiction! I didn’t even know what it was until a little while ago when i was studying up on Hypersexuality. I used to blog about these different kinds of things..but..this is a journal. I won’t do it here..Just a word of advice…if you think you might be hypersexuality but you don’t fit all of the sexual aspects of it…you may want to look at Love Addiction…just google it…
On to the bitching part of the blog…i feel very sad tonight! I hurt someone that i care about because of this very issue..i can’t stop doing this stupid shit…i read up and it says you will need counseling for it…yah..Love Addiction…get in the back of the Fucking line…I already need counseling for all the other fucked up shit going on in my head…in fact..you know what? I am going to donate my fuckin’ brain to science…maybe they can find out how fucked up it is!!!
I don’t want to fight anymore! Sound familiar to anyone here? I keep finding out new ways that my brain is abnormal and it makes me wonder how much more i can take…i’m here for my wife and kids you know..it’s really the only reason…if they died..then i die…if you know what i mean! This world sucks shit!!! It will pick you up…eat you..then shit you out the other end!
Sorry…i used to never swear..believe it or not…However..these days..it’s the only words that can truly describe the pain i go through on a daily basis…
Enough for this night of cries…..
Until the next one…………
Me and the wife finally had our tri-yearly talk today when we share feelings..yell..get upset..the wife cries…etc,. How did it go you ask…well..let’s see…we decided that i am not the man i was 2 years ago..that i have become mean…that i don’t care..and that she hates me. How is that for a discussion…that’s not all but a big part of it…she thinks that my meds are not helping and that i have gotten worse on them..i told her i didn’t know..they do help with rapid cycling but i don’t know about much else..really.
The worst part of what she said..is that she is right!…I have been a real ASS for two years..She says i am giving up..that after my diagnosis that i don’t care anymore..that i stopped trying..You must understand..2 years ago i had the manic episode that got me diagnosed..however..as you probably know if you are reading this..i have known about it my whole life..i have always BEEN different and i will always BE different..she thinks a new drug will make the difference..i told her..that what she is asking of me is a lot!!! Besides my..Bipolar 2..GAD..and Depression..i have also been diagnosed with Paranoid Personality Disorder..Changing meds is not like going on a walk in the park for me..i am scared to HELL of the side effects i could have from a change.
Anyway..maybe that’s what it will take to keep my marriage..only time will tell on that..i hope it turns out well..but..i am also a realist and know that it may not..i will live with whatever happens.. like i live my life these days..I will continue to wander as a robot in this world of corrosion…
Sunday night…it was actually a good day..Went to a family party at Bob’s new house..What a nice pad..i was jealous at first but then i realized it is what it is..some of us are never to have those kinds of things. I can barely keep above water..i have a modest house and two old cars..i live in an ok neighborhood in a nice town..that’s as good as it’s going to get for me..i least i have come to that realization.
I will live out my life just getting by..giving up on dreams and ambitions. I have no strength left for those things..i’m basically just here..Bipolar is an unforgiving monster that overcomes and devours you when you can no longer do it..Do i have that one last muster to be my own hero and save the day? i don’t know at this point..it’s to tiring just to think about.
I will come out of this depression some day..if that’s what it is..or hypermania or whatever..whatever it is ..things in my brain will change..maybe peace and harmony will come with it..I would say..i hope so…but it’s too tiring to think about..i am a robot neither living or dead…just rusting in this wasteland….
I haven’t had a job in one year now..not since my manic breakdown..I am in the process of trying to get disability insurance..I am just damn lucky that my wife has a good job with benefits!!! I have never really been able to hold down a job..i have probably tried 50 jobs in my adult life..in fact..the longest i have held a job is for 4 years and that was because..it was an ideal situation for me. I worked alone..managed my own route..interacted with clients when i wanted to and for as long as i wanted to. It was a great job..problem was..i couldn’t fake my issues forever…i never could..i remember clear as day one time out bawling in my work van at three in the morning..leaving a message to my boss via voicemail how I didn’t know if i could do it anymore and blah..blah..blah..looking back i think of two things.
…number 1..that i was manic and didn’t have a clue…number 2..i am now embarrassed as HELL that i did it. That is one of the worst things about this disease..it’s when i do something stupid or irrational and then i have to live with the embarrassment..the shame..the guilt..for the rest of my life! it really sucks!!!
Another requirement for that job…one that would have sent many people jumping for joy..was each summer..we were required to fly out to trainings..they were located all over the country. With my problems..however..this represented a world of problems.Lets see..i’m terrified of heights..extremely claustrophobic…stressed out…anxiety filled..and that’s just thinking about the trips..I used to get so worked up that i would almost have a panic attack and pass out..before we even got on the plane..Once we would land and get to our hotel..i could calm down and relax a little. We got our own rooms..it is the only way i could do it. I remember my boss wanted to take me to a Colorado Rockies game..i had never been to one..but..alias..was too damn tired and stressed out from the days work..I didn’t take a piss all day until the evening..i was majorly dehydrated.
What i haven’t mentioned yet..is that i had a major phobia with eating or drinking on the job..i would wait until i got home most days before i would do either..i’m talking about a drink of water or eating a chip..i basically fasted every day except for the weekend. When your working summer days in the 100’s and not drinking..it’s a real problem. I am guessing that i have taken several years off my life..due to issues like this…but..you wanna know what?..i haven’t wanted to be here for the long haul..my entire life..this shit is just way too hard. Many days i wonder if i will make it another year. I’m closing in on 50..my goal is to at least make it till then…….
Well..here i am in the full force of another happy monday…yeah…yippee…NOT! Already woke up to find that my Maltese/Pomeranian Cooper..threw up on the bed..poor guy..he only weighs 8 pounds and i gave him too many goodies yesterday..hopefully he yacked all that out..Sadie is going great! She is a Black Lab/Terrier Mix…they are so much fun together…
So…i have had an issue with my eye since last night..i think i got something in there that is irritating it..i tried to get it out but to no avail. It could just be dried out to. My Lamictal is known for causing dry eyes…but hey..if it can keep me from those damn pesky rapid thoughts all day..then i will deal with some dry..red..eyes..
Funny thing..these drugs..they give them to us as a shot in the dark and have no idea how or why they work. I am on..as i said..Lamictal..which is prescribed for seizures..hey this shit also works for bipolar issues. or at least it seems to..lets find some guinea pigs and try it out. Oh well..at least i don’t live in the middle ages..or hell..the 70’s..when you either got tortured..murdered..or used as lab experiments..lobotomy? Who’s the dumb shit that came up with that one?..his cure..he should of got one himself..then he could have seen how it feelt to not know your head from your ass!!
*Sorry if my swearing is offensive…if anyone cares to read my posts..this is a problem for me while i am hypermanic..i swear a lot..at least it’s not as bad as some of those Tourettes folk..God bless them one and all!!!
…getting back to today..don’t have too much to do..because i am tired all the time..i do things i can do that day…today..dishes if i’m lucky..i try to get out everyday and interact in a social environment. I usually go out to eat or at least go get my favorite drink..some call it”The Nectar of the Gods”…others may know it as Mountain Dew…it has been my favorite all my life..i often wonder if i like it so much because of the flavor…or i’m addicted..or if it’s as simple as just being the color green..that is my favorite color..eh..i don’t know..not to important…i guess…with that being said..when i am not in the mood for one..it is a clear indicator that i am on the depressive side…
My depressive side is just like a lot of Bipolar 2’s..it’s there much..much..more than my hypermanic side..and as i said before..my hypermanic side is no picnic either..well..most of the time anyway. I had a very unique experience last spring..it was about a year ago..in fact. I was in a complete SEVERE depression..closest i have ever been to suicide in my life!..it had lasted the previous summer into February..btw- i was diagnosed Bipolar 2 last summer after a severe manic episode when i was ready to run off and have an affair with a co-worker who was half my age and newly married..as you can imagine..that led into the severe depression…
..anyway..getting back to the story…last spring..i woke up one morning and things felt extremely different!..i didn’t feel like shit that day..so i decided to go out side and look around..to my utter amazement..i could actually see the sun..it was beautiful!..in fact all the color and smells were so vibrant. I was alive again!!!..i was so happy..this went on for a couple days and then things started to calm down..not depressive but not as intense..i went to my pdoc and she had to bring me down and tell me..i was having a manic episode..and i thought to myself, “Damn..can’t i have anything that is normal..just one Gad Dang Thing”!!!…i feel wonderful..full of life for the first time in years..but sorry sir..you were just experiencing a manic episode..don’t worry it won’t last long….
Well..all i can say to that…is..FUCK YOU!!!!!…………………………….
Let’s see…so I have spent some $2000 dollars on my two cars over the last month and now I have a potentially new..serious..problem!!! So much for the tax return I try to live on for four months a year..you know..the little tiny sum that makes me feel like things are ok…HELL NO!!!!..all gone for my FUCKING cars!!! I screamed to the heavens above for the lord to take me now..I could give 2 shits for my life…all I experience is pain..anguish..hate..bitterness and despair..I am fucking tired of it..I can’t do it anymore..more like it…I don’t want to do it anymore..I don’t care anymore..instead of lemons all I get is a steamy pile of shit to wade through…well…this man’s tired of wading!!!!!!!!