Hi all! It’s been a hell of a long time since i last posted and a lot of SHIT has happened. Today’s topic happens to be Love Addiction. Why? Well, i just got dumped by a girl half way around the world that was not my wife. L.A. is defined by the need to feel new love. It’s not sexual. It’s kind of a teenage crush thing. I have experienced it since before i was married 22 years ago. I have probably had at least 8 girls that i had communicated with over my marriage. The worst part of L.A. is that your morals don’t matter. To your mind it really doesn’t matter that you are married with kids! It’s a solid crush! You want to be with that person to hold, kiss, etc,. The scariest part is, the feelings, feel completely REAL! It was ended a week ago when she tweeted me and said she wasn’t interested in a long distance relationship. Just like a crush, you feel rejected and it takes time to get over it. So here i am trying to get over a girl that dumped me, all the while my wife is telling me i cheated. Even now, after a week, i still don’t feel bad about it! The fantasy is still stuck in my head. I still think of contacting her.
I guess what i’m saying, is that, if my brain was “normal” and my morals were intact, i would have never done this. This or the other ones in my past history. At least my wife is understanding, as well as she can, anyway! She has a right to feel the way she does. We went and saw my shrink together today and went over it. I am going into an online addiction therapy.
Just another diagnosis to add to the pile! I think i have about 6 by now! Fun! Fun!
Man..it’s almost impossible to be Bipolar 2 and keep up on something like a journal..I’m just too damn tired all the time to do it!!! I was kicking butt at the beginning but then realism kicked in and so did my shitty life and here i am so many weeks later trying to catch up!
Things lately seem to be S.S.D.D. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been writing…nothing has really changed..still trying to determine what i need to do to feel life is worth living..I sit here day after day and do the same mundane shit I did yesterday…it’s a repeating cycle.. rinse..wash..repeat..
Believe it or not..I used to be a dreamer..an optimist..a romantic…now i am a shell of what i used to be..every day i tend to care less and less about my life..it must come from 46 years of fighting the demons….
…oh and recently i have been trying to figure out what happened to me when i was a kid…my pdoc and things i keep learning..tell me that i am this screwed up because of that! something happened back in the day that triggered all this shit!!…i mean..i think it was coming because i am genetically akin to this disease through my father..but i think it may have been brought on by abuse i got as a child…i mean i know that i was mentally abused repeatedly for most of my youth…you know the usual stuff..”your not good enough”..”you are too lazy”…”you can’t do anything right”..you know..that kind of shit…what i don’t know is if my father played with my wiener or my mother did or what? I will never know because my father is dead and my mother won’t even admit that i have a mental illness…not even after i had a hospitalization!!! It’s horse shit!!!
The saddest part of all of my wonderful posts 😦 is that my wife doesn’t even know i post these!…i don’t want her too..it is only here where i can say what i really feel…it is only here that i can give a true accounting of my life…as shitty as it is….well…at least i have this…right….
I could have no one to talk to and share my true inner thoughts and feelings…..
I have a question….Was anybody alive before the internet? i was on a reddit site and somebody asked when people started on the internet…everyone answered that it was in the 90s..00s…i was thinking…HELL…did anyone live before the internet… like i did…or am i the only one?…i remember in high school..we used Apple 2’s with hard and floppy disks…i remember when i graduated from high school..i got a record player with cassette..it was awesome…scary thing is…i am not that old….
Anyway….just a thought…..