Man..it’s almost impossible to be Bipolar 2 and keep up on something like a journal..I’m just too damn tired all the time to do it!!! I was kicking butt at the beginning but then realism kicked in and so did my shitty life and here i am so many weeks later trying to catch up!
Things lately seem to be S.S.D.D. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been writing…nothing has really changed..still trying to determine what i need to do to feel life is worth living..I sit here day after day and do the same mundane shit I did yesterday…it’s a repeating cycle.. rinse..wash..repeat..
Believe it or not..I used to be a dreamer..an optimist..a romantic…now i am a shell of what i used to be..every day i tend to care less and less about my life..it must come from 46 years of fighting the demons….
…oh and recently i have been trying to figure out what happened to me when i was a kid…my pdoc and things i keep learning..tell me that i am this screwed up because of that! something happened back in the day that triggered all this shit!!…i mean..i think it was coming because i am genetically akin to this disease through my father..but i think it may have been brought on by abuse i got as a child…i mean i know that i was mentally abused repeatedly for most of my youth…you know the usual stuff..”your not good enough”..”you are too lazy”…”you can’t do anything right”..you know..that kind of shit…what i don’t know is if my father played with my wiener or my mother did or what? I will never know because my father is dead and my mother won’t even admit that i have a mental illness…not even after i had a hospitalization!!! It’s horse shit!!!
The saddest part of all of my wonderful posts 😦 is that my wife doesn’t even know i post these!…i don’t want her too..it is only here where i can say what i really feel…it is only here that i can give a true accounting of my life…as shitty as it is….well…at least i have this…right….
I could have no one to talk to and share my true inner thoughts and feelings…..
I gave away my heart and it was returned in tatters………
Why is it that when you go into a doctors office..they get you right back but then you have to wait in the room forever before the damn doctor comes in?! Is it just a thing to make it look good that they got you out of the front..I freakin’ hate it! I have a little issue with closed in places..doctors…shots..blood pressure..blood draw..i know that a lot of people have these issues and i am not special in any way..but..i also have White Coat Syndrome..let’s just say…take the things above and worry 20X as much about every aspect and there you have it!!! My pdoc has wanted me to have blood drawn for about 4 months now..i have not done it..i have several teeth that need root canals but there they are..rotting and falling apart…i have a lawn that has grown 4 feet tall grass…how’s it going to be next week? Probably 5 feet.
Anyway..this is what i love about blogs..i came to talk about waits in doctors offices and ended up talking about a lot of other issues…i guess these kinds of dilemmas happen when you suffer from: GAD..Bipolar 2…Specific Phobias…Bipolar Depression…Paranoid Personality Disorder…and last but not least…Love Addiction…Can you just imagine the fun i have on a daily basis….Ha..Ha…Ha….
You know what….
FUCK THAT!!!! It sucks…….
That is all…carry on soldiers……
Well..let’s see..The sun was out today..so why did i feel like such shit?! I usually feel good on sunny days and the wind was soft with fluffy clouds..maybe it was the fact that i have not been feeling too well lately…sickness does me in..you know how it rolls..you get sick and nothing else seems to matter..all i do is worry about it..it consumes my mind.
Anyway..mostly S.S.D.D. Sleep usually brings a better attitude…
Off i go to my imaginary world………………..
So for the last couple days..i have been extremely hypermanic..it gets to a point where i can’t stop tapping my feet..laughing..singing..you get the picture..however..today i crashed hard..I am completely depressed and tired…i am sooooo damn tired…
April fools….it’s your pathetic life…front and center. Except it’s not April fools for me..it’s all reality! You know what?…i hate doing these fucking blogs and bitching all the time about my horrible life and all that…but i feel i owe it to my posterity to tell it how it is..so that when i die some day…and they have the same kinds of experiences…they will know why!
……with that in mind..i believe i have another diagnosis to add to my GAD..Bipolar 2…Bipolar Depression…Specific Phobias..ADD…and Paranoid Personality Disorder…My new one?….self diagnosed but about 95% sure…Love Addiction! I didn’t even know what it was until a little while ago when i was studying up on Hypersexuality. I used to blog about these different kinds of things..but..this is a journal. I won’t do it here..Just a word of advice…if you think you might be hypersexuality but you don’t fit all of the sexual aspects of it…you may want to look at Love Addiction…just google it…
On to the bitching part of the blog…i feel very sad tonight! I hurt someone that i care about because of this very issue..i can’t stop doing this stupid shit…i read up and it says you will need counseling for it…yah..Love Addiction…get in the back of the Fucking line…I already need counseling for all the other fucked up shit going on in my head…in fact..you know what? I am going to donate my fuckin’ brain to science…maybe they can find out how fucked up it is!!!
I don’t want to fight anymore! Sound familiar to anyone here? I keep finding out new ways that my brain is abnormal and it makes me wonder how much more i can take…i’m here for my wife and kids you know..it’s really the only reason…if they died..then i die…if you know what i mean! This world sucks shit!!! It will pick you up…eat you..then shit you out the other end!
Sorry…i used to never swear..believe it or not…However..these days..it’s the only words that can truly describe the pain i go through on a daily basis…
Enough for this night of cries…..
Until the next one…………
So i’ve been away for a few days and i’ll be honest..the will just hasn’t been there..it is one of the hardest things for me to do..motivation. Anyway..i have been doing a lot of pondering life lately..since me and the wife had our little “discussion” i am trying to look at things from a new direction..i am trying to work on being happier..it is working pretty well..well…that and being hypermanic probably doesn’t hurt.:)…
It was a fun day with the family today..we had our little Easter party..it sure is more fun to be hypermanic at parties than depressed! The thing that really sucks..is..i think that my depression cycle is going to go from about October to the end of February…what is the significance of that you wonder? Well..it means that Thanksgiving..Christmas…New Years and Valentines Day…will probably always be experienced in a depressed state…excuse the french..but..that sucks SHIT!!!
I had wondered the past several years why i can never feel the holiday spirit anymore…it’s probably because i am so DAMN depressed…upon doing some research..it seems that i am not the only one this happens to…I know what you are going to say…well..not if your mentally ill…but others would say that these issues happen to everyone during the holidays…i would agree to an extent..however..i disagree in the fact that for most people..after the holidays..they settle back into the routine..where as…for people who are mentally ill..like me…i still get to have the fun for several more months….and add the fact that i don’t want to live too much during those times…yah..i would say..mentally ill people have it a lot worse…Sorry you quote/unquote..”normal people”!…we got you beat..:(
With all that said…Happy Easter everyone..may Heavens light shine brightly before you…..