Hi all! It’s been a hell of a long time since i last posted and a lot of SHIT has happened. Today’s topic happens to be Love Addiction. Why? Well, i just got dumped by a girl half way around the world that was not my wife. L.A. is defined by the need to feel new love. It’s not sexual. It’s kind of a teenage crush thing. I have experienced it since before i was married 22 years ago. I have probably had at least 8 girls that i had communicated with over my marriage. The worst part of L.A. is that your morals don’t matter. To your mind it really doesn’t matter that you are married with kids! It’s a solid crush! You want to be with that person to hold, kiss, etc,. The scariest part is, the feelings, feel completely REAL! It was ended a week ago when she tweeted me and said she wasn’t interested in a long distance relationship. Just like a crush, you feel rejected and it takes time to get over it. So here i am trying to get over a girl that dumped me, all the while my wife is telling me i cheated. Even now, after a week, i still don’t feel bad about it! The fantasy is still stuck in my head. I still think of contacting her.
I guess what i’m saying, is that, if my brain was “normal” and my morals were intact, i would have never done this. This or the other ones in my past history. At least my wife is understanding, as well as she can, anyway! She has a right to feel the way she does. We went and saw my shrink together today and went over it. I am going into an online addiction therapy.
Just another diagnosis to add to the pile! I think i have about 6 by now! Fun! Fun!
Man..it’s almost impossible to be Bipolar 2 and keep up on something like a journal..I’m just too damn tired all the time to do it!!! I was kicking butt at the beginning but then realism kicked in and so did my shitty life and here i am so many weeks later trying to catch up!
Things lately seem to be S.S.D.D. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been writing…nothing has really changed..still trying to determine what i need to do to feel life is worth living..I sit here day after day and do the same mundane shit I did yesterday…it’s a repeating cycle.. rinse..wash..repeat..
Believe it or not..I used to be a dreamer..an optimist..a romantic…now i am a shell of what i used to be..every day i tend to care less and less about my life..it must come from 46 years of fighting the demons….
…oh and recently i have been trying to figure out what happened to me when i was a kid…my pdoc and things i keep learning..tell me that i am this screwed up because of that! something happened back in the day that triggered all this shit!!…i mean..i think it was coming because i am genetically akin to this disease through my father..but i think it may have been brought on by abuse i got as a child…i mean i know that i was mentally abused repeatedly for most of my youth…you know the usual stuff..”your not good enough”..”you are too lazy”…”you can’t do anything right”..you know..that kind of shit…what i don’t know is if my father played with my wiener or my mother did or what? I will never know because my father is dead and my mother won’t even admit that i have a mental illness…not even after i had a hospitalization!!! It’s horse shit!!!
The saddest part of all of my wonderful posts 😦 is that my wife doesn’t even know i post these!…i don’t want her too..it is only here where i can say what i really feel…it is only here that i can give a true accounting of my life…as shitty as it is….well…at least i have this…right….
I could have no one to talk to and share my true inner thoughts and feelings…..
April fools….it’s your pathetic life…front and center. Except it’s not April fools for me..it’s all reality! You know what?…i hate doing these fucking blogs and bitching all the time about my horrible life and all that…but i feel i owe it to my posterity to tell it how it is..so that when i die some day…and they have the same kinds of experiences…they will know why!
……with that in mind..i believe i have another diagnosis to add to my GAD..Bipolar 2…Bipolar Depression…Specific Phobias..ADD…and Paranoid Personality Disorder…My new one?….self diagnosed but about 95% sure…Love Addiction! I didn’t even know what it was until a little while ago when i was studying up on Hypersexuality. I used to blog about these different kinds of things..but..this is a journal. I won’t do it here..Just a word of advice…if you think you might be hypersexuality but you don’t fit all of the sexual aspects of it…you may want to look at Love Addiction…just google it…
On to the bitching part of the blog…i feel very sad tonight! I hurt someone that i care about because of this very issue..i can’t stop doing this stupid shit…i read up and it says you will need counseling for it…yah..Love Addiction…get in the back of the Fucking line…I already need counseling for all the other fucked up shit going on in my head…in fact..you know what? I am going to donate my fuckin’ brain to science…maybe they can find out how fucked up it is!!!
I don’t want to fight anymore! Sound familiar to anyone here? I keep finding out new ways that my brain is abnormal and it makes me wonder how much more i can take…i’m here for my wife and kids you know..it’s really the only reason…if they died..then i die…if you know what i mean! This world sucks shit!!! It will pick you up…eat you..then shit you out the other end!
Sorry…i used to never swear..believe it or not…However..these days..it’s the only words that can truly describe the pain i go through on a daily basis…
Enough for this night of cries…..
Until the next one…………
So i’ve been away for a few days and i’ll be honest..the will just hasn’t been there..it is one of the hardest things for me to do..motivation. Anyway..i have been doing a lot of pondering life lately..since me and the wife had our little “discussion” i am trying to look at things from a new direction..i am trying to work on being happier..it is working pretty well..well…that and being hypermanic probably doesn’t hurt.:)…
It was a fun day with the family today..we had our little Easter party..it sure is more fun to be hypermanic at parties than depressed! The thing that really sucks..is..i think that my depression cycle is going to go from about October to the end of February…what is the significance of that you wonder? Well..it means that Thanksgiving..Christmas…New Years and Valentines Day…will probably always be experienced in a depressed state…excuse the french..but..that sucks SHIT!!!
I had wondered the past several years why i can never feel the holiday spirit anymore…it’s probably because i am so DAMN depressed…upon doing some research..it seems that i am not the only one this happens to…I know what you are going to say…well..not if your mentally ill…but others would say that these issues happen to everyone during the holidays…i would agree to an extent..however..i disagree in the fact that for most people..after the holidays..they settle back into the routine..where as…for people who are mentally ill..like me…i still get to have the fun for several more months….and add the fact that i don’t want to live too much during those times…yah..i would say..mentally ill people have it a lot worse…Sorry you quote/unquote..”normal people”!…we got you beat..:(
With all that said…Happy Easter everyone..may Heavens light shine brightly before you…..
So…i’ve slacked a little lately! I get a pass though. Went on a trip for the birthday…just an over nighter up the road…it was a nice getaway..however..sure started feeling like crap when we got back though.. Have slept a lot today..hopefully with the help of my trusty Ambien..i will fair just fine!
My sleep coma awaits……..
It was an interesting day…i was rapid cycling throughout the day…I woke up feeling a little irritated..i drove the kids to school as usual..came back and got on the computer…as usual…then as usual…i laid down for nappy nap time….i tried to sleep for my usual 3-4 hours..but kept waking up..at least..half way…you see..i take Ambien…it works great to help me sleep at night…but it also exacts a daytime nap of 3-4 hours ever day..it’s not a..well..i guess i’ll just go back to bed…kind of deal. No..i go back to sleep because of a coma like tiredness…that i cannot fight…
…..anyway…so the phone rang a few times but i had to just let it ring…i was too out of it…after about 5 rings in a minute..i forced myself…i mean forced…to answer the phone..it was my son at school…apparently some dude during career day had brought him to the front of the class and made fun of him in front of the others….so i got him and brought him home..then computer time again until i got the other kids…mood was pretty bleak but i tried to stay happy…then i did some dishes and got the house in order for the wife to come home after a hard days work..
We ate dinner…i watched my son play on the Playstation 3 and then i ended up here watching some guys on Youtube breaking their limbs and shit riding their bikes and skateboards..i remember the time i sprained my wrist really bad after falling off the top of my homemade skate ramp…that was right after my parents left and told me not to get hurt…so of course i got hurt.. right! I thought it was broken at first…I walked around in circles repeating this line…”I think i broke my wrist”…about 20 times…good old ace bandage did the trick….lucky me!
Feeling pretty happy and content right now…had a pretty good night helping my friend from Australia get through a tough time…….
As they say in the land down under…”Good’a Mate”!…………………………………….
I have a question….Was anybody alive before the internet? i was on a reddit site and somebody asked when people started on the internet…everyone answered that it was in the 90s..00s…i was thinking…HELL…did anyone live before the internet… like i did…or am i the only one?…i remember in high school..we used Apple 2’s with hard and floppy disks…i remember when i graduated from high school..i got a record player with cassette..it was awesome…scary thing is…i am not that old….
Anyway….just a thought…..