Man..it’s almost impossible to be Bipolar 2 and keep up on something like a journal..I’m just too damn tired all the time to do it!!! I was kicking butt at the beginning but then realism kicked in and so did my shitty life and here i am so many weeks later trying to catch up!
Things lately seem to be S.S.D.D. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been writing…nothing has really changed..still trying to determine what i need to do to feel life is worth living..I sit here day after day and do the same mundane shit I did yesterday…it’s a repeating cycle.. rinse..wash..repeat..
Believe it or not..I used to be a dreamer..an optimist..a romantic…now i am a shell of what i used to be..every day i tend to care less and less about my life..it must come from 46 years of fighting the demons….
…oh and recently i have been trying to figure out what happened to me when i was a kid…my pdoc and things i keep learning..tell me that i am this screwed up because of that! something happened back in the day that triggered all this shit!!…i mean..i think it was coming because i am genetically akin to this disease through my father..but i think it may have been brought on by abuse i got as a child…i mean i know that i was mentally abused repeatedly for most of my youth…you know the usual stuff..”your not good enough”..”you are too lazy”…”you can’t do anything right”..you know..that kind of shit…what i don’t know is if my father played with my wiener or my mother did or what? I will never know because my father is dead and my mother won’t even admit that i have a mental illness…not even after i had a hospitalization!!! It’s horse shit!!!
The saddest part of all of my wonderful posts 😦 is that my wife doesn’t even know i post these!…i don’t want her too..it is only here where i can say what i really feel…it is only here that i can give a true accounting of my life…as shitty as it is….well…at least i have this…right….
I could have no one to talk to and share my true inner thoughts and feelings…..
So for the last couple days..i have been extremely hypermanic..it gets to a point where i can’t stop tapping my feet..laughing..singing..you get the picture..however..today i crashed hard..I am completely depressed and tired…i am sooooo damn tired…
April fools….it’s your pathetic life…front and center. Except it’s not April fools for me..it’s all reality! You know what?…i hate doing these fucking blogs and bitching all the time about my horrible life and all that…but i feel i owe it to my posterity to tell it how it is..so that when i die some day…and they have the same kinds of experiences…they will know why!
……with that in mind..i believe i have another diagnosis to add to my GAD..Bipolar 2…Bipolar Depression…Specific Phobias..ADD…and Paranoid Personality Disorder…My new one?….self diagnosed but about 95% sure…Love Addiction! I didn’t even know what it was until a little while ago when i was studying up on Hypersexuality. I used to blog about these different kinds of things..but..this is a journal. I won’t do it here..Just a word of advice…if you think you might be hypersexuality but you don’t fit all of the sexual aspects of it…you may want to look at Love Addiction…just google it…
On to the bitching part of the blog…i feel very sad tonight! I hurt someone that i care about because of this very issue..i can’t stop doing this stupid shit…i read up and it says you will need counseling for it…yah..Love Addiction…get in the back of the Fucking line…I already need counseling for all the other fucked up shit going on in my head…in fact..you know what? I am going to donate my fuckin’ brain to science…maybe they can find out how fucked up it is!!!
I don’t want to fight anymore! Sound familiar to anyone here? I keep finding out new ways that my brain is abnormal and it makes me wonder how much more i can take…i’m here for my wife and kids you know..it’s really the only reason…if they died..then i die…if you know what i mean! This world sucks shit!!! It will pick you up…eat you..then shit you out the other end!
Sorry…i used to never swear..believe it or not…However..these days..it’s the only words that can truly describe the pain i go through on a daily basis…
Enough for this night of cries…..
Until the next one…………
So i’ve been away for a few days and i’ll be honest..the will just hasn’t been there..it is one of the hardest things for me to do..motivation. Anyway..i have been doing a lot of pondering life lately..since me and the wife had our little “discussion” i am trying to look at things from a new direction..i am trying to work on being happier..it is working pretty well..well…that and being hypermanic probably doesn’t hurt.:)…
It was a fun day with the family today..we had our little Easter party..it sure is more fun to be hypermanic at parties than depressed! The thing that really sucks..is..i think that my depression cycle is going to go from about October to the end of February…what is the significance of that you wonder? Well..it means that Thanksgiving..Christmas…New Years and Valentines Day…will probably always be experienced in a depressed state…excuse the french..but..that sucks SHIT!!!
I had wondered the past several years why i can never feel the holiday spirit anymore…it’s probably because i am so DAMN depressed…upon doing some research..it seems that i am not the only one this happens to…I know what you are going to say…well..not if your mentally ill…but others would say that these issues happen to everyone during the holidays…i would agree to an extent..however..i disagree in the fact that for most people..after the holidays..they settle back into the routine..where as…for people who are mentally ill..like me…i still get to have the fun for several more months….and add the fact that i don’t want to live too much during those times…yah..i would say..mentally ill people have it a lot worse…Sorry you quote/unquote..”normal people”!…we got you beat..:(
With all that said…Happy Easter everyone..may Heavens light shine brightly before you…..
Me and the wife finally had our tri-yearly talk today when we share feelings..yell..get upset..the wife cries…etc,. How did it go you ask…well..let’s see…we decided that i am not the man i was 2 years ago..that i have become mean…that i don’t care..and that she hates me. How is that for a discussion…that’s not all but a big part of it…she thinks that my meds are not helping and that i have gotten worse on them..i told her i didn’t know..they do help with rapid cycling but i don’t know about much else..really.
The worst part of what she said..is that she is right!…I have been a real ASS for two years..She says i am giving up..that after my diagnosis that i don’t care anymore..that i stopped trying..You must understand..2 years ago i had the manic episode that got me diagnosed..however..as you probably know if you are reading this..i have known about it my whole life..i have always BEEN different and i will always BE different..she thinks a new drug will make the difference..i told her..that what she is asking of me is a lot!!! Besides my..Bipolar 2..GAD..and Depression..i have also been diagnosed with Paranoid Personality Disorder..Changing meds is not like going on a walk in the park for me..i am scared to HELL of the side effects i could have from a change.
Anyway..maybe that’s what it will take to keep my marriage..only time will tell on that..i hope it turns out well..but..i am also a realist and know that it may not..i will live with whatever happens.. like i live my life these days..I will continue to wander as a robot in this world of corrosion…
Sunday night…it was actually a good day..Went to a family party at Bob’s new house..What a nice pad..i was jealous at first but then i realized it is what it is..some of us are never to have those kinds of things. I can barely keep above water..i have a modest house and two old cars..i live in an ok neighborhood in a nice town..that’s as good as it’s going to get for me..i least i have come to that realization.
I will live out my life just getting by..giving up on dreams and ambitions. I have no strength left for those things..i’m basically just here..Bipolar is an unforgiving monster that overcomes and devours you when you can no longer do it..Do i have that one last muster to be my own hero and save the day? i don’t know at this point..it’s to tiring just to think about.
I will come out of this depression some day..if that’s what it is..or hypermania or whatever..whatever it is ..things in my brain will change..maybe peace and harmony will come with it..I would say..i hope so…but it’s too tiring to think about..i am a robot neither living or dead…just rusting in this wasteland….
Today started out pretty good. I slept well on my Ambien as usual. Got up and took the kids to school…as usual..oh..real quick…i almost forgot..Smedlee at the R&B..quit the other day..so much for going there now..i will miss him..me and Zach had a good time talking to him and even more fun watching him try to interact with people..you could tell it was hard for him..but he persevered to the very end. Good on ya, Smed!
Got home from taking the kids to school and crashed..this time was a little different than usual. Usually i nap because i don’t have a choice..today i napped because i had no interest in doing anything else. I was in a major rut. It was all i could do to get back out of bed. I only got out because some guy from the city came by to tell me he had no idea why my electric bill was $200 dollars high in December..he said maybe it was because of Christmas lights..nice try bud..but i only hung a battery operated reef on my door because i was too tired and out of the spirit to do more…then he said space heater. Yah..we used on in our shed in freakin’ October..anyway the stupid dude left without giving me any break on the bill..just that it was very “unusual” to see a rate go up that high from average. Ya think DumbAss!!!..it’s high because you asses read my meter wrong!!!!
Then i went back to sleep until the next guy showed up..this one wanted to look at my doggie door..he was all hopped up about it until he came and looked at it..it was rather interesting..he got out of his car..shook my hand…looked at the door for 20 seconds..got back in his car and drove off..i was like..”Fuck you too…and Merry Christmas!
What did i do next…you guessed it…i went back to bed..woke up an hour later to get the kids from school..went and bought a box of donuts and a Mountain Dew from the store and came home and got on the internet..yes…to look for something new..did i find it..not really……