Man..it’s almost impossible to be Bipolar 2 and keep up on something like a journal..I’m just too damn tired all the time to do it!!! I was kicking butt at the beginning but then realism kicked in and so did my shitty life and here i am so many weeks later trying to catch up!
Things lately seem to be S.S.D.D. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been writing…nothing has really changed..still trying to determine what i need to do to feel life is worth living..I sit here day after day and do the same mundane shit I did yesterday…it’s a repeating cycle.. rinse..wash..repeat..
Believe it or not..I used to be a dreamer..an optimist..a romantic…now i am a shell of what i used to be..every day i tend to care less and less about my life..it must come from 46 years of fighting the demons….
…oh and recently i have been trying to figure out what happened to me when i was a kid…my pdoc and things i keep learning..tell me that i am this screwed up because of that! something happened back in the day that triggered all this shit!!…i mean..i think it was coming because i am genetically akin to this disease through my father..but i think it may have been brought on by abuse i got as a child…i mean i know that i was mentally abused repeatedly for most of my youth…you know the usual stuff..”your not good enough”..”you are too lazy”…”you can’t do anything right”..you know..that kind of shit…what i don’t know is if my father played with my wiener or my mother did or what? I will never know because my father is dead and my mother won’t even admit that i have a mental illness…not even after i had a hospitalization!!! It’s horse shit!!!
The saddest part of all of my wonderful posts 😦 is that my wife doesn’t even know i post these!…i don’t want her too..it is only here where i can say what i really feel…it is only here that i can give a true accounting of my life…as shitty as it is….well…at least i have this…right….
I could have no one to talk to and share my true inner thoughts and feelings…..
Why is it that when you go into a doctors office..they get you right back but then you have to wait in the room forever before the damn doctor comes in?! Is it just a thing to make it look good that they got you out of the front..I freakin’ hate it! I have a little issue with closed in places..doctors…shots..blood pressure..blood draw..i know that a lot of people have these issues and i am not special in any way..but..i also have White Coat Syndrome..let’s just say…take the things above and worry 20X as much about every aspect and there you have it!!! My pdoc has wanted me to have blood drawn for about 4 months now..i have not done it..i have several teeth that need root canals but there they are..rotting and falling apart…i have a lawn that has grown 4 feet tall grass…how’s it going to be next week? Probably 5 feet.
Anyway..this is what i love about blogs..i came to talk about waits in doctors offices and ended up talking about a lot of other issues…i guess these kinds of dilemmas happen when you suffer from: GAD..Bipolar 2…Specific Phobias…Bipolar Depression…Paranoid Personality Disorder…and last but not least…Love Addiction…Can you just imagine the fun i have on a daily basis….Ha..Ha…Ha….
You know what….
FUCK THAT!!!! It sucks…….
That is all…carry on soldiers……
April fools….it’s your pathetic life…front and center. Except it’s not April fools for me..it’s all reality! You know what?…i hate doing these fucking blogs and bitching all the time about my horrible life and all that…but i feel i owe it to my posterity to tell it how it is..so that when i die some day…and they have the same kinds of experiences…they will know why!
……with that in mind..i believe i have another diagnosis to add to my GAD..Bipolar 2…Bipolar Depression…Specific Phobias..ADD…and Paranoid Personality Disorder…My new one?….self diagnosed but about 95% sure…Love Addiction! I didn’t even know what it was until a little while ago when i was studying up on Hypersexuality. I used to blog about these different kinds of things..but..this is a journal. I won’t do it here..Just a word of advice…if you think you might be hypersexuality but you don’t fit all of the sexual aspects of it…you may want to look at Love Addiction…just google it…
On to the bitching part of the blog…i feel very sad tonight! I hurt someone that i care about because of this very issue..i can’t stop doing this stupid shit…i read up and it says you will need counseling for it…yah..Love Addiction…get in the back of the Fucking line…I already need counseling for all the other fucked up shit going on in my head…in fact..you know what? I am going to donate my fuckin’ brain to science…maybe they can find out how fucked up it is!!!
I don’t want to fight anymore! Sound familiar to anyone here? I keep finding out new ways that my brain is abnormal and it makes me wonder how much more i can take…i’m here for my wife and kids you know..it’s really the only reason…if they died..then i die…if you know what i mean! This world sucks shit!!! It will pick you up…eat you..then shit you out the other end!
Sorry…i used to never swear..believe it or not…However..these days..it’s the only words that can truly describe the pain i go through on a daily basis…
Enough for this night of cries…..
Until the next one…………
Me and the wife finally had our tri-yearly talk today when we share feelings..yell..get upset..the wife cries…etc,. How did it go you ask…well..let’s see…we decided that i am not the man i was 2 years ago..that i have become mean…that i don’t care..and that she hates me. How is that for a discussion…that’s not all but a big part of it…she thinks that my meds are not helping and that i have gotten worse on them..i told her i didn’t know..they do help with rapid cycling but i don’t know about much else..really.
The worst part of what she said..is that she is right!…I have been a real ASS for two years..She says i am giving up..that after my diagnosis that i don’t care anymore..that i stopped trying..You must understand..2 years ago i had the manic episode that got me diagnosed..however..as you probably know if you are reading this..i have known about it my whole life..i have always BEEN different and i will always BE different..she thinks a new drug will make the difference..i told her..that what she is asking of me is a lot!!! Besides my..Bipolar 2..GAD..and Depression..i have also been diagnosed with Paranoid Personality Disorder..Changing meds is not like going on a walk in the park for me..i am scared to HELL of the side effects i could have from a change.
Anyway..maybe that’s what it will take to keep my marriage..only time will tell on that..i hope it turns out well..but..i am also a realist and know that it may not..i will live with whatever happens.. like i live my life these days..I will continue to wander as a robot in this world of corrosion…
There…so does that make ya’all happy!!!I’m so damn happy i can’t wash the shitty smile off my face….so there you go…have a great fuckin’ day…i am :)?…………
So what a shitty night…Get in a fight with my friend Amber from Australia…then our dog, Cooper..got out and we can’t find him..so it’s probably paying a lot of money i don’t have to the dog pound to get him out or someone calling us from an ad i put in the paper or and more likey…he’s out dead on the side of the road somewhere..people call me pessimistic..i call myself..realistic…why…because it’s my life..it’s usually the Shit’s that i get…
One plus for the day..Zach got a job at Lagoon!!! Good job Zachy…very..very..proud of my boy!!!
Sunday night…it was actually a good day..Went to a family party at Bob’s new house..What a nice pad..i was jealous at first but then i realized it is what it is..some of us are never to have those kinds of things. I can barely keep above water..i have a modest house and two old cars..i live in an ok neighborhood in a nice town..that’s as good as it’s going to get for me..i least i have come to that realization.
I will live out my life just getting by..giving up on dreams and ambitions. I have no strength left for those things..i’m basically just here..Bipolar is an unforgiving monster that overcomes and devours you when you can no longer do it..Do i have that one last muster to be my own hero and save the day? i don’t know at this point..it’s to tiring just to think about.
I will come out of this depression some day..if that’s what it is..or hypermania or whatever..whatever it is ..things in my brain will change..maybe peace and harmony will come with it..I would say..i hope so…but it’s too tiring to think about..i am a robot neither living or dead…just rusting in this wasteland….